MAY 2006

i haven't had any dreams lately.

i wonder sometimes what they are for. i've got too many things floating in space during my waking life that well, sleeping is for sleeping now. i'm all packed now. i'm homeless. jobless. and the only thing in my future, besides driving out to la, is the los angeles film festival - and then the calendar is open.

what is in store in the next two months? three months?

i came out this month. holy shit. that's a new thing. that's a big thing. it took me fifteen years to understand that maybe it's ok to feel the way i have. i wasn't born gay. i definitely know that. i still find girls attractive. but, i think the things that have happened to me in my past have encouraged me on this path. i think it's the way it is supposed to be.

i feel i can't tell people more than the fact, though. even though everyone of my friends have been incredibly supportive and amazing - i still feel quiet. i can't point out hot guys if i see them - that's weird. i feel weird just writing that. i mean - i think it. but, i'm not able to say it without feeling a slight hesitation.

i think it's me being paranoid and overreacting.

people don't give a shit unless it's directly relating to them. as far as i've found. i'm changing slowly. slowly becoming a new person.

i graduated college and now there's nothing in front of me. it's as if i were following along a road that had been written on - little dotted lines like the ones in the family circus cartoons and suddenly - it's at the end but the sky and earth are endlessly ahead of me.

i'm not sure which way to turn.

i ramble now. a few days ago i didn't sleep for 45 hours and was sad that i didn't last 48. i recently picked up my old playing cards. i try to read fortunes with them.

they are always right.

this is a strange universe. i feel like a fairly responsible mature guy. i'm driven, know what i want, ambitious, idealistic, reasonable, hardworking, creative.

but when it comes to love - i'm like a 14 year old girl. i crush on straight guys. people i'm unable to have. i want to be someone i'm not sometimes and float against the wrong side of the universe.

a few months ago i thought i was exploding and now i feel like that was just a dream i had. instead i'm only stationary moving forward in the same direction except the direction is nowhere and i forgot to take off my blinders.

the universe is opening up again and i've got a curious thought to what it has too say.