Overwhelming Anticipation

I have 50 bucks in my account.

I'm also on the brink of sudden destruction. Or complete breakthrough. Or nothing. Which will be the utter worse of it all - and the most inevitable.

Today, I got an email about the American Film Market known here to further as the AFM. And boy did I get - AHHHHH! - excited. Here there are going to be hundreds. Hundreds of up and coming production companies, that as one site called it, "hungry for new films."

Hungry? Like - hungry the way I want a peanut butter sandwich in the middle of the night and would cut out a hole in my elbow to get it? Well, not really - but you get the idea. I'm nervous. Because, well, I'll be alone. Alone walking the corridors of the AFM - eyes bloodshot - heart beating so fast - well, I might just have to leave my heart home on this one - my stomach is churning. It's like the first day of school.

I was sitting on my father's shoulders and I remember a sea of people. There wasn't room for school, really - just thousands and thousands. I didn't want to get down and cried when I did. I couldn't see past the millions of legs scattering through the universe. AHHHHH!

Ack. So, yea, the AFM. The little bastard slip by me - like a wet noodle. Oh, not like - I didn't get to go - no, I'm going - it slipped past me because I just assumed that they were looking for films to buy. You know - A MARKET. A FILM MARKET... an AMERICAN FILM MARKET. We want to BUY AMERICAN FILMS.... well, no - actually there's a little more to it, apparently - because today's email said in its subject matter :

AFM exhibitors interested in meeting with AFI FEST Filmmakers

Holy shit. Why? What are they expecting to hear? That I'm amazing? That I've got the next big thing? I'm not a salesman. I'm not some monkey that's going to dance.

But I want too. Oh goddamnit, I should just drink my way to that AFM and dance dance dance like it's 80's night. People said I've been a good dancer - remember friends? I'm a good dancer? I don't think the AFM wants me to dance. They want me to talk about my movie. The movie that they want to BUY.

The Western - a sexual drama about a man with a sexually experimental girlfriend and a new gay friend who he's sleeping with not because he's gay - but because he's sexually afraid - no wait - no - it's because he's girlfriend is being too aggressive and he loves her - and love isn't about as she tells him - "i want to be fucked like an animal."

Where'd you go AFM? I was just in the middle of the - what's that? Two minutes - I have to sum up a movie in two minutes?

Oh shit. Yea. Ok - so I got this other one - WITHIN - yea - it's a horror film? Yea, yea - a horror film - yea I know those sell really good - what's it about? - skeletons - oh yea - you know the creepy ones - yea - they burst out of people's bodies - yea - pretty sick! - yea yea - it's going to be awesome - what's it about? - well, it's got these characters who each have a secret - or something their hiding - yea - and the skeletons are the metaphors for the reprecussions of these secrets - like secrets are bad and things - hello? hello? how did you just disappear like that?

The hallway is empty.

Oh there's another guy - hey - friend - yo - come here - yea - you. I got a great film for you. THE ODYSSEY OF LMNO - yea - it's great - it's about a robot, a goofy and clunky robot on this journey to find his owner's lost cat. Yea - pretty funny. It's great, kids will love it - I bet it'll do really well - what's that? How big? Oh - it's big. Like - lots of money big. - no, I mean, yea - I'm sure it'll make lots of money - maybe - but yea - it'll take a lot to make. What have I done? No, I'm not an established filmmaker. Hello? Hello? What the fuck?!

Do these guys really want to meet me? Of course, I'll put together something a little better - but man - what a fucked up scary shit I'm getting myself into. This is good opportunity here. This is stuff we're ready to get into. This is the beginning.

And I'm doing it alone. What's up with the obvious metaphors here? Seriously - can I get any more obvious? This place is strange. This universe is a weird one. Maybe one day it'll make sense, but until then I'll be a zippy squirrel running around with my head cut off - scared of the things I can't control.