The Tunnel

Of recent, I've found myself in a tunnel.

There's a lot of doors. A lot of closed doors with opportunity on the other side - and I'm trying some - some are locked. Others open and appear not what they seem to be. I'm distracted by relationships.
I'm distracted by love. And feeling touched. And wanted. But by those who I'm attracted too.

I find that I'm finding excuses to call. Or message. Or keep in touch - when it's over. And there's nothing there but black nothing. There are whispers of ghosts. Children haunting the walls. Shadows of what was there but gone.

Sunlit Shadows was a film about a break up. I've never really been in a break up before, as I wrote it. And the film became more about my hesitation in growing up. In being a man, taking responsibility.
A part of it dealt with my sexuality. With my desire to keep things - simple. Childish. I long for when I was younger and the world was simple. I had a meal to eat. I felt I could do anything.

Optimism is difficult to keep.

It slips through your fingers, twisting in like water. Soft and gelatin. A snake unmoved by your insistence. The rise of Obama causes hope and optimism in me. In some ways - him winning makes the world a better place. For me. I see that we do have a future in the ways of a twisting and ever increasing chaos.

And as I feel dumbstruck and paralyzed by a fear of loneliness. There's hope that one man can change the world.
When I watch Sunlit Shadows now, the break up story is more real than I ever imagined. And it's frustrating to watch. I just want him to fucking grow up! It's not simple. Things are complicated and takes a bit of effort. And uncomfortable sharing to succeed in life. The world self centered is lonely. And he can't see that. I don't understand the universe - and the ways it presents itself.

Sometimes so chaotic, sometimes so perfectly - synced.

And the tunnel I'm in - closed doors - open darkness. Light bulbs swinging above me - is disorienting.
And then. At the corner of the wall, another door has opened. A small light and a kind smile. Maybe there is someone there.

And optimism returns.