This month has been incredibly busy. And heavy. I've been down alot, mostly through the stress of a production that worked more like a raging bull than anything productive or creative. Trying to hold on has worn me out. I have had very few days off (if any) and spending them doing quality things seems to be a chore.
My life is a constant bouncing back and forth between being happy and wanting to be sad. I don't know why. I want to get angry lately. And just slam my door and hide away. Instead, I'm just hanging out and being cool with the gang. Things that I thought I lost are found, in different forms. Although, there seems to be a thread now dangling and threatening to tear and fall apart again.
Sometimes, it is easier to hide away. I bought warm, comfortable sheets. A thick mattress top pillow and sleeping now is so comfortable. A cloud. Like being hugged. It's less lonely. I'm not sure exactly what each day brings now - I feel lost a bit.
I want to shoot a film this summer, but my time has been robbed from me. I'm working alot (and making a good chunk of change) but now my creative endeavors have been robbed from me.
Today will be my first week back in Los Angeles. I want to get back into my routine. I'm going to go to the gym. On Wednesday, I'm seeing my trainer and getting back into shape. I'm rejoining my vegan diet because now, it just feels right. I like that. It gives me a sense of identity.
After finding out, I sort of fell off my ways. Everything seemed a bit useless. I'm trying to clamor back into the wagon now. Pulling the steers into route. Hopefully, we're headed somewhere safe. And normal.
A few friends wrote to me and made the pull up a bit easier. And the main reason for my sad days has returned and erased it. Hesitation fits between us. Like squares who want to hug. One of us needs to bend but - there's hesitation.
In some ways, I think life between us is forever. And in other ways, I feel we're counting down. I'm not sure what to say and I feel powerless. Something, nowadays, that is becoming more and more common.
I need to get back on track. In a few days, I hope. A few weeks. Possibly in a few months.
I'll know by my birthday - what happens. What's the case. And the verdict between the indecisiveness of my universe.
And possibly, I won't.