Chasing Buses

Sometimes dreams really turn me over and make the day(s) seem longer, worse and just plain horrible. Yesterday was one of those days.

When I was younger, I dreamed about being late for the bus. I couldn't get my clothes on right, or I was forgetting something, I couldn't run fast enough - all as the bus sat and waited for me. That feeling is probably one of the worst. I had a similar dream the previous night (same principle) and it just shook me.

I'm frustrated now by my inability to make things happen. At the beginning of the year, I had just ambitions. I played Sundance. I was king of my kind. I had all the world ahead. And then 30 days later - it was stolen from me. A car wreck.

Since then, I've been spending the year backwards and catching up. Picking up pieces and trying to remember some semblance of what I once wanted. I know it's there. I can still imagine it - but it seems so much further and that idea that it exists and I'm just heading towards it doesn't feel as strong as it once did.

Now, I'm trying to reconstruct it.

One day at a time.

I find myself going in and out of moods. Quickly. And I snap quicker than anyone, I know. The slightest gesture, or statement, question or look will turn me into what I would hope is my usual jovial self into a green and angry monster - ready to bite. Ready to find out how to turn you into that horrible piece of shit you are -

Then, I calm.

I find talking works. Sometimes, even if it's just to acknowledge what is already known.

I feel dumber than I did. Dumber than I did a year ago. I feel like I have to take more effort to do the same task. More energy to catch up. I find myself, instead - relying on what I did know. Because trying to figure out the new things, just takes too much effort.

And I've got other fish to fry.

If I'm by myself for the evening, I'll go to bed at 9:30. I'll try and stay up and enjoy myself, I have plenty to entertain myself with but it all seems sort of boring by myself. Lonely.

I sometimes have this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. For no rational reason. I've got good friends, a good partner, a good family. I'm financially stable. I'm not happy in my job, but it's not the worst position.

Things could be a lot worse.

Things could be - ALOT worse.

But, still - it's hard to deny the way your body turns you. The way it makes you feel like staying bed when you should be getting up. I've lost my self discipline. Because nothing seems as possible as it did.

Even if that sounds crazy.

Because, in those dreams, as a kid (and last night) the bus was always waiting. And I was the one chasing. I created the chase. And it's only me who'll be able to catch up.

When I'm ready. (and allow it)