Trust (In Time)

I've got trust issues. I've probably said this a million times in many ways - but I always have this feeling in my heart that the other shoe will drop. Recently, I have come across a few words of advice that says to gain someone's trust, you have to accept them for who they are. Don't try to change them, don't try to make them a "different" person, but just - accept them.

In my life now, there is a person who I know very well. Very well. However, I tend to interpret their actions as different then they think. I find their external self is much different than their internal self. Or at least - that's how I interpret. My trouble, is trying to find the connection between the two. I have to bridge the gap that I continually see between - their actions and their thoughts.

As things stand now they are quite different.

Part of me wants to believe they are just being dishonest with themselves. But, they are a thoughtful, honest and self-reflexive person. I find it really hard that they really think that much into it. Another part of me finds that I pick and choose what I see. I find that I am looking for that other shoe to drop. I'm looking for a reason they aren't who they say they are - when I confront them about it.

After a long talk, I realize that how I feel was wrong. I get really annoyed and frustrated with myself. I want to win - but I never do. I consistently have moments of weakness and immaturity. And I find that they are consistently right. Things aren't as bad as I have made them.

But - day after day, month after month - I feel the same way. And it's not until I become genuinely upset that I speak up and pull out of them what I need to hear. Then - I feel better. My day is good. I like to feel "special." Cheesy as it sounds, it's a good feeling. Especially from those you are in love with.

And I'll feel good, until the next one happens. The moment when I feel "used" "objectified" - my interpretations are wrong. I'm not comfortable with this sort of behavior. And I find myself balancing between two worlds.

One in which I can accept someone who is always - in the moment, even at the cost of thoughtlessness or one in which - I lose them.

The solution? Honesty.

And from there, the wind will push me where it does.