Trust

Part of breaking up becomes self reflection. You begin to look at yourself and ask, "why didn't it work out?" "What did I do to cause this?" I find that you learn a lot about who you are as a person. I found that I am an incredibly giving and loving person, but that I am also someone who needs to be listened too. Someone who needs to be understood.

I found that I am also ready to be proud of my relationship, ready to be proud of the sort of person that I am. I found that this pride sometimes clouds my judgment and I make choices and take actions that are not in our best interest.

And one of the major issues has been in forcing change when there is no change to be made. I forced an idealized version out of him that didn't exist. I think this came from the fear that if I somehow lost him, I would not be, in someways, validated in my sexuality. And that validation came at a cost of distrust and manipulation.

I have to learn to accept my partner as someone different. Someone who may not call every moment of the day, someone who may not be as clean or as "giving." Some of those don't apply, keeping it a bit less personal here - but essentially - I have to accept what they have to offer.

Once I accept those things, I can build trust and through open and honest communication things will get better or fade. And fading sometimes isn't the worst thing, but a good thing. A relationship I'm finding is best when we want to be the with the person we are with, not with the person we want them to be.

It's a simple and incredibly easy thing to understand, but for some reason it took me a long hard break up to get it through my thick - stubborn, proud skull.

Where my future lies, I'm not sure - there are things that I need to work on. And there is a tenderness to any possibility to working things out. I hope we can but that may not be for some time. If at all.

And that's ok.