2009 - Half Way Gone

And just like that 2009 is almost finished. Plans I had made for this year seem to be half made and half missing. My life feels half full and half empty at all times. Things are rolling through and bumbling into the ground. Guards upon the guardians.

I've felt strangely more creative lately. Not sure if it's because I have lost what I care about most and have focused again on my writing or what have you. Loss, is a terrible and horrific feeling. On all levels. My beautiful sister lost something yesterday and made me terribly sad. I'm not sure why. On some levels, it's understandable to be empathetic to her loss but after hanging up, I ended up closing the door in my room and crying for about a half hour.

My Mom just got married in a beautiful ceremony in Florida. Nothing ornate or extraordinary but just right. Just right for a ritual of sharing, bonding and love. I've been to two weddings before. Once when I was 7 and was the ring bearer for my Aunt's wedding. And the second time was when I gave my Mom away to her 2nd Husband. This was the first time I actually felt I was present. I wasn't so busy thinking about myself and my life that I could honestly witness what a wedding is meant for.

It was simple. And sweet. And honest. And beautiful.

This wedding, I was her new Husband's best man. He's a pretty nice guy. We spent the wedding day at the gym and had some Chinese food for lunch, helped make the sandwiches for the reception and everything felt like family.

It was really nice.

I have recently had the urge to make a family. Not have kids per se, as that will be a long and complicated process - but to build a home. Find someone to settle down with, settle my roots. I'm no longer a wild child (not that I ever was one) wondering the universe in search of something, I've begun to realize that what you are is what you create. You can't find it anywhere or in any place.

Life feels fragile.

Love is even more so.

And sometimes, cutting crust off Wonderbread sandwiches made with homemade egg salad with your future Step Dad is more family than you can ever ask for.