Take It Like a Man

I used to write really bad poetry.  Sorting through old papers, I found this line:
"It's 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm up with a cup and my mind is still roarin'"
Maybe I was trying to rap or something, but in any case... eesh.  I say I used to write bad poetry, because I've given up on thinking I can do that well.  I like putting nonsense words together to create an image, like lemon blues, but for the most part my poetry is total dog shit.

Making my first feature was a great experience, until recently when I've begun to have real doubts about it.  I took a lot of cut corners to make it.  The budget wasn't really there, the animation could of been more polished and I still haven't had a chance to really finish the music.  We rushed it for Sundance, hoping that we could have a chance - but it's Sundance after all and we didn't get in.

And after that, it's been kind of a bummer.  We've gotten rejected from 5 other festivals, all the ones we've applied too, and I'm just starting to rethink the film and its quality.  It's very personal and exposes a side of myself that now that I've made it, makes me feel naked and violated.  As if I exposed myself for exploitation and to further my career, but because the film isn't any good, the risk in being so... open, kind of feels like a bad idea.

And so, the risk and consequences were the reward for risk and consequences.

I'm afraid I'm going to look back on this film and it'll look like that poetry.  Where it's almost, uncomfortable... this once sense of the cool and artistic now feels false and naive.  It's quite terrifying.  Some people have asked to see it and I'm terrified to show them, being almost embarrassed to share.

And I've lost my confidence as a filmmaker.

I've started four different scripts and I'm thinking they are going to be great... until the next day when I read the 10 or 20 pages and find myself wanting to reach into the computer screen and burn every page.  Have I lost any sort of talent I thought I once had?  Did I "peak" with my capstone thesis film?  A film I made over six years ago?

I thought I had such momentum with that film, playing over 40 film festivals, propelling my next film into Sundance... 

I try to remember that I spent almost twice as much on that as I did on my feature film... and even more than that on everything else I've done combined... but in this day and age, you have to be talented with no money.  And I just think, I am not.

It's sad.

I'm also always looking for work, but since I got fired back in 2009, I haven't felt steady financially.  My credit which once was fantastic has slid... lots.

Every time, I get a few dollars in my pocket, it gets stolen out by unexpected expenses.  Like tires and registering my truck.  Some people may cough at me complaining about cash, being that I spend most of it on entertainment, television and movies.  And video games...

But I find them to be both educational, entertaining... and escapist.

I learn a lot from being in tune with the current trends in film and television and video games.  I'm proud of those expenses.  I'd love to buy new furniture, new clothes... I'd love to be able to pay the exorbitant student loans that loom over me, like the rain cloud that follows Charlie Brown.

But I can't.  And fuck it, I need something...

I'm a happy person, mind you.  But I'm in a funk.  And the thing that has made it all the worse is... I'm turning 30.  And all my friends are getting married or in happy, sustaining relationships... and some are having kids.

I miss being in a relationship and having a buddy in my corner.  I feel... un-desirable.

Most of my writing is about the role of being a man.  Fatherhood.  Gender assignments.  Responsibility.   I get frustrated by life when consequences to irresponsibility don't fail to rear itself.  I bursted into my college with a ton of pent up sexual frustrations... and I paid a severe price for it.

It has permeated in my thoughts now.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  But, fuck, I just wanted to escape all the frustrations.  As I'm getting older that small window of freedom is closing.  I'm approaching 30, with debt that compounds, and all the things I'm supposed to do is forcing me into a corner.  Fantasy and dreams seem to be drawing further and further away.  And they feel more and more like just that... fantasy and dream.

Which causes me to ask, who am I going to be?

My father has a career and a family.  He's settled.  My mom has her family, her children, a husband, her own home, pets, a daily routine.  

I'm stuck spinning my tires and wondering if the jumps of faith I took in life were worth it, because it seems that if there are consequences to be had, I'm going to catch them.  And I fucking hate that feeling. I harp against entitlement, but I'd really like some good luck.

The rewards I've received are small for the daily frustrations I lap through.

My script, Fear Between Vultures, is about a group of friends and lovers, who face these frustrations of wanting to experience life on their terms, but responsibility to others and self and the consequences for ignoring them weigh on them.  To me, after each of them take on their responsibilities, there is a sadness. On one hand, these guys are assholes... but there is a reason we want to just escape in our own drugs.

Man, funks suck.  I'm going back to Hyrule.